Illustration by Nayana Rathmalgoda

So there’s a State Election on March 20.  Read on  Richard Ensor from Radio Adelaide’s flagship show “Represent” drops the science on what it’s all about.

Key Issues

Hospital vs. Stadium

Labor has promised to build a new hospital with improved facilities designed to address South Australia’s growing health needs and reduce hospital waiting lists. That’s all well and fine, but the Libs will just upgrade the existing Royal Adelaide Hospital and spend the remaining money on a FUCKING WICKED footy stadium.  You might have to worry about getting a seat in the emergency room, but when this new sports venue is completed with a capacity of five times the projected average attendance level, you’ll never have to worry about getting a seat at the big game!

Advantage: Liberals

Southern Expressway Expansion

Back in the 90s, The Liberals constructed this bad boy, but (and it seemed like such a good idea at the time!) traffic can only flow in one direction any given time.  While this visionary enterprise has meant that South Australia holds the record for the world’s longest reversible one-way freeway, the killjoys at Labor have pledged to upgrade the road so that traffic can flow both ways.  It’s going to cost $370 million to duplicate the expressway in 2010, compared with the $68 million price tag of making a two-way freeway in the first place.  Strangely, Isobel Redmond called a press conference on the expressway, and then sent along her Finance spokesman Rob Lucas, who then announced that he wasn’t announcing anything.  At the time of writing this is still the case, and even if they do match Labor’s commitment later in the campaign, Mike Rann got some serious momentum out of this one.

Advantage: Labor

Trust

Recent polls show that 51% of people trust Liberal leader Isobel Redmond, while only 34% trust Premier Mike Rann.  This is a clear advantage for the Liberals, but you’ve got to wonder what exactly voters mean when they say they ‘trust’ their political leaders.  Does it mean that they trust them with the state’s future?  That they trust them when they promise to lower unemployment and keep crime rates low?  Or does it mean that they reckon it’s true when their leaders say they did NOT court a waitress from the parliamentary bar and have sex with them in their office and then again in the back of Mike Rann’s car on Memorial Drive?  Either way, Isobel Redmond is on a winner here.

Advantage: Liberals

Key Players

Mike Rann
Mike Rann is a dirty old man who will stop at nothing to get his grubby, sweaty paws on every woman he sees.  Allegedly.  When it comes to being out of touch with voters, but having his finger on the pulse of women who aren’t his wife, Rann gets results.  Allegedly.  It seems that Rann’s been so busy presiding over a booming state economy that he’s forgotten how to preside over a monogamous relationship.  Allegedly.   Vote 1 the Liberal Party.
(special thanks to The Advertiser for providing this profile piece)

Isobel Redmond

Since becoming opposition leader, Isobel Redmond has heroically shied away from the normal personality politics of modern campaigning; in fact she’s pretty much shied away from any personality at all.  She’s kept such a low profile in fact, that no picture of her exists in the public domain (bad luck Wikipedia).  Redmond’s finally tuned political antenna has helped her outperform her predecessor, Martin Hamilton-Smith, who was brought down by the “Dodgy Documents” scandal last year.  Redmond’s biggest strength has been that she leaves all wild and unsubstantiated defamatory criticism of the Labor party in the capable hands of the Australian media.  Come Election Day, we’ll find out if just sitting there doing nothing is enough to get Redmond over the line.

Michael Atkinson

This guy is seriously the Minister for Being a Jerk.  He’s using his veto power as SA’s attorney-general to hold up the rest of the country in getting an R rating for video games, and treating everyone who disagrees with him like Hitler along the way.  Fun fact: shouting “I’M PROTECTING THE CHILDREN!!!” when arguing with someone automatically makes your opinion right!  Atkinson also came under fire for attempting to censor internet debate during the state election, but don’t think this man doesn’t understand the power of the internet – he’s got his own Facebook fan group, with 29 fans.  Unfortunately, the largest of about 100 anti-Atkinson groups has 4,640 members… tough break Michael.

Key Battlegrounds

Norwood

Encompassing St Peters, Trinity Gardens and of course Norwood, this blue-ribbon electorate is sure to be hotly contested, with voters facing the dilemmas that the 2006 election has left them pondering: “Why do I keep voting Labor?” “What’s the name of the Liberal leader again?” “How can I stop my wife voting for the Greens?” And the list goes on.  Winning Norwood will be a tough task for both major parties, but whoever can promise the most middle class welfare and the lowest capital gains tax will probably just come through with the goods in this vital seat.

Legislative Council
South Australia’s Upper House is usually pretty interesting, but to be honest, this place has been a little boring since our main man Nick Xenophon took his stunt parade to Canberra.  Australia’s last Democrat standing and all-round crazy lady Sandra Kanck has resigned, and Independent Ann Bressington has stopped saying stupid things for the time being at least.  With things so dull, maybe it’s time for a new era of zany single-issue MLCs, and nothing says zany like all those AbortSA posters all around town. But seriously, don’t vote for AbortSA.

Conclusion: At the end of all this, Labor’s gonna get home even after losing some seats.  They might have to bribe a few independent MPs who’ll end up holding the balance of power but they’ll manage to stay in Government.  It’s not gonna be a huge deal and when it’s over we can all turn our attention to the bigger, more interesting show happening later this year in Canberra.